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10 REASONS WHY THE WORLD IS PIDGEON.

robotsausage — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 17:01:41 GMT

No1. The pidgeon is also a fruit in africa and adorns many a rich african's fruit bowl.

No2. pidgeon's live longer than most humans and so does the world.

No3. If it werent for pidgeons the world would have no corn and therefore the great corn bridge of new york would fall causing many deaths.

No4. the pidgeon is the most fluent bird in the world able to speak raven, penguin and duck amongst many others.

No5. the pidgeon is 98% fat and is frozen and eaten on sticks in most asian country's including ireland.

No6. pidgeon excrement is considered legal tender in wales and egypt.

No7. one day the world will end and when it does all the pidgeons shall rise and take over the tv waves with pidgeon tv offering sport topical debate

and racial hatred.

No8. the "western union money transfer" pidgeon is jamaican and has dreads.

No9. a pidgeon once beat sly stallone as the face of hubba bubba who then got beat by hugh heffner with his pants down.

No10. Gandalf of lord of the rings is really a pidgeon in an ian mckellan suit.

sample of amazing tales episode 1

robotsausage — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 17:51:38 GMT

AMAZING TALES Episode 1.

eerie music play's while credits roll. Then cut to a man walking down a corridor towards the camera

DAVID TEMPLE: Hi there and welcome to the first in the series of Amazing Tales,

where we go in search of the weird and erm... even weirder... tales

we begin our first story in scotland, at their 100th most famous lake,

lake hemoroid, to tell us more is our reporter Paul Grossbody.

PAUL: (standing next to a lake shaped like an arse) Thanks David well here i am at scotlands 100th most famous

lake, lake hemoroid where it is believed that under this very lakes surface lies the "ye olde jimmy saville",

a pub you're thinking then you'd be right. Locals even say that if you come down here past midnight and listen carefully,

you can hear the faint moaning and swearing of old soldiers stopping of for a pint of there favourite tipple. Im here with one

of those locals Mr Douglas Twat, hello there mr Twat so what's the mystery sorrounding this lake?

MR TWAT: (speaking in broad rough scottish accent) Well paul i been coming here for about forty years now and i aint seen fuck all...

PAUL: (confused) erm... sorry can you try not to swear this is a family show

MR TWAT: Sorry Paul, well anyway what i mean is i aint seen nothing, but that don't mean i aint heard nothing

we hear things all the time us locals, moaning, pissing sounds, fighting, farting, and sometimes if

you're quite you can hear them singing, it sends shivers down your spine it's very eerie.

PAUL: Well thanks for that Mr Twat. while i've been down hear the crew and i thought why not send someone down there to investigate,

so that's what we're gonna do, (looks over to a poor looking boy aged about ten with ginger hair) oi lad come hear!.

What's you're name lad?

LAD: (Looking frightened, speaking softly) My name's Justin sir

PAUL: Ok Justin put these on, take this down there and see what you can see, good luck

Paul pushes justin off a boat and into the lake with a camera and a frog suit

PAUL: Don't worry about him he'll be fine we got a letter from his parents insisting he's an ok swimmer, besides he's ginger know one will

miss him.

Half an hour passes but no sign from the boy.

Just as Paul is about to carry on we hear a rumbling sound and the boy emerges.

By the way sorry but i havnt finished this and there is a lot left to do on it and if anyone has any ideas of what to put next i'd be ever so grateful, Thanks.:D

simon kings king of chat sample.

robotsausage — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 21:45:09 GMT

this a short sample from another project im working on about a chat show (a mock one obviously). the host is called simon king.

SIMON: Now my next geust is a local celeb from just down the road in coxtif (fictional town), not just anyone as he came

5th in the song for Great Britain in 1960, please welcome Gary Bleesdale (audience cheer as Gary comes down some stairs waving)

SIMON: Welcome to the show Gary (offers handshake whilst sitting down)

GARY: Nice to be hear mate

SIMON: So your journey began in....sorry when did it begin again?

GARY: Well Simon it began in 1959 when i was 20, i was touring the local pubs and clubs at the time, and doing really well

when i was approached by none other than Alan Rimmer....

SIMON:(interrupting) Sorry who are we talking about? (looking confused)

GARY: Alan Rimmer, the famous music agent. Anyway he came up to me and said "you sound great you could make young women wet...

SIMON: (Interrupts again) Wet!, what do you mean wet?

GARY: Wet!, you know sexually...anyway he carried on, he said "you've got the look of a star"

SIMON: Not to mention the size of a star, because you were quite big then were'nt you?

GARY: Yes i was 35 stone then...

SIMON: So how would you make women wet?, unless he meant piss them selves laughing

GARY: Well simon you've heard of Barry White...

SIMON: Yeah the bloke who does the Cillit Bang ads, but what has he got to do with this?

GARY: That was Barry Scott..

SIMON: Oh sorry, go on!

GARY: Well i was like him but 15 years early, and more working class, instead of singing about sex and stuff i would sing

about unemployment and egg n chips but sexually

SIMON: So it was then were he got you recording your first single "baby don't brake my yoke"

GARY: That's right.

SIMON: But it was the follow up a year later that you performed in front of literally.... tens of people for the song for britain.

GARY: Yes i sang my second single "no job no toast".

SIMON: Sadly it didn't do as well as people hoped...it came 5th. Why?

GARY: Well because they're all cheating fucks (audience look shocked at his language), they knew mine was better they were just

fucking jealous.

SIMON: Ok fair enough you were cheated, and after that you went down hill, tell us more?

GARY: Well i even lost weight, i went from a 35 stone to 7 stone in a year, i slept naked in a cave in wales shagging sheep.

SIMON: But now your back... and fat again... full of soul, and i don't mean the fish

GARY: Yes with my new single, "back in lard"

SIMON: Which i understand you're going to sing for us now

GARY: Yes Simon (Gary walks over to microphone on stage)

SIMON: So here he is with his come back single "back in lard"

Audience cheer and some whistle, then camera pans over to Gary who is about to sing. Piano music softly plays then about 20 secs

in the music goes into "bat out of hell" by Meatloaf.

(5 minute delay for song)...

sample of my spoof news proggramme.

robotsausage — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 22:53:35 GMT

DRAMATIC NEWS MUSIC PLAYS AS CAMERAS PANS TO NEWS READER SHUFFLING PAPERS.

JAMES Edwards: Hello there and welcome to "Weird News", the news programme that takes life as seriously as Elton John's dress sence.

Tonights headlines, "BILL ODDIE CAUGHT WITH PANT'S DOWN", "BROWN RELATED TO HITLER",

"BUNGLE SEEN LEAVING JEFFREY'S FLAT. But first we cross to our middle east correspondant John Rogers, who has

some interesting devolopments on the war in iraq. John!, whats happening?

JOHN IS STANDING LOOKING FORWARD WITH A MIC AND BEHIND HIM WE CAN SEE BOMBS GOING OFF AND HEAR CRASHES AND BANGS

JOHN: Thank's James. Well i'm stood here sorounded by british and allied fighters who are trying desperately in vain to rescue tiddles from a buring tree..

JAMES INTERUPTS

JAMES: Erm!.... a cat john? you're in fucking iraq!, what about some action?

JOHN: Well i know james but if you come back later the troops are having an intensive game of twister... phew! that will prove to be qiute a story.

CUTS BACK TO JAMES IN STUDIO.

JAMES: John!

JOHN: Yes!

JAMES: Fuck off!

JOHN: erm... well th.. the cats coming down...(fades away as he's cut off)

JAMES SHAKES HEAD

JAMES: Apologies to our viewers, he's still a virgin don't you know...Anyway back to the news.

PICTURE OFF BILL ODDIE COMES UP NEXT TO JAMES'S HEAD.

JAMES: Today former goodie and famous bird pervert Bill Oddie was caught literally with his pants down, for more on this strange and bizzare story here's Martha Michaels.

CAMERAS GO TO FOOTAGE OF BILL ODDIE IN HIS DAYS IN THE GOODIES AND ACCOMPANIED BY OTHER FOOTAGE OF HIM ON NATURE PROGGRAMMES.

MARTHA: The vision we usually have of Bill Oddie is that of a gentle man in touch with nature, who had a colourful past as a member of shit comedy act "THE GOODIES"

but now it seems theres more to bill than stroking birds of the feathered king to that of actual buggery, because only last night in his home in the town of "dump

,on sea", famous weatherman John johnson "69" who lives next door to bill in a mud hut noticed him acting strange.

CAMERA CUTS TO JOHN TELLING YOU WHAT HE SAW.

JOHN: Well i just saw bill come out his house with a vietnamese rainbow trout and proceeded to spank himself with the fish while doing the funky chicken. It was very

strange.

CAMERA CUTS TO OUTSIDE BILL'S HOUSE

MARTHA: And thats not all because police also claim to have found a startled swan burst past them with a shaved behind and semen dripping from it's beak.

The investigation continues. Martha Michaels outside Bill Oddies house reporting for weird news back to you James.

CAMERA PANS BACK TO JAMES IN THE STUDIO.

JAMES: Thank you Martha.

JAMES: Now for our next story Pm Gordon Brown today shocked parents and children with a speech in germany to promote germany's "don't do drugs feed slugs

campaign", were kids get the opportunity to kick the drug habit by looking after slugs on a local slug farm. After announcing plans to open a new slug farm he

turned to the german press and said "i always feel at home in germany because hitler was my grandad", Brown was under pressure to resign when it was later

revealed that he indeed was talking about the late german irish jew Herbert O'hitler who invented the back door. For the latest on this story we now cross over to

our political correspondent Alan Spleen, Alan tell us the latest!.

ALAN IS STANDING OUTSIDE NO. 10 DOWNING STREET WITH MIC IN HAND.

ALAN: Well James it seems that the controversy still stands, despite the pm making it perfectly clear that he was talking about a completely differant person.

JAMES: So how are they going to resolve this farce?

ALAN: Well i think there going to come to an agreemant which means the pm will be replaced by Willie Thorne as the Ambassador of the "feed slugs campaign"

JAMES: Dosen't he play snooker?

ALAN: He used to yes, but he's an avid slug fan and it helped him beat his addictions to night nurse mixed with crack.

And they'll also be a fact sheet sent to every parent in germany with a free starter slug to get everyone going.

JAMES: Great!, will we see this exciting campaign coming over to Britain?

ALAN: I think so yes the german government are going to talk to the Pm to resolve the matter then start talking about a deal, so yes i'm sure we will.

JAMES: But will this work to finally stop the yob culture of todays youths?

ALAN: Oh yes certainly, the feedback from germany has been fantastic. The case of Gunther Guntherson the violent 12 year old racist with a beard who stunned the whole

of germany when he hacked up 200 black people and his granny for not sniffing his farts, well the german government tried to rehabilitate him but everything failed

but as soon as they introduced this feeds slugs campaign he rebiult his life and even knitted his gran a coffin, but he became a homosexual and they shot him.

Back to you in the studio James.